Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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