I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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