mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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