I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
