I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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