Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I deserve this hangover.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
