I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
