why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
