Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
