It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Let's get the cat blown out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
