I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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