I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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