she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
