you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"