New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
