Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
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my being single is dangerous.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often