your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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