would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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