I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
