i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
