The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
