Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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