she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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