Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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