we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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