If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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