During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
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I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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