You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
