I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
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I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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