Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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