I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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