They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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