I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
