i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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