Swine flu. Run for my life!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
