my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
