So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
