When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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