i just wanna soil my oats bro
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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