i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
