booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
