i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
