Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
