puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
