Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
