I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
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Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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