I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
