Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
