How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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