If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
