it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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