i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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