There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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