Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
