I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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