i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
