There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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