Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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