did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
