I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So vagazzling was a success
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
